I’m Not A Chill Girl, And I Like It That Way
If I want to open your Snap, I’m going to GD open your Snap.
Hi, I’m Julianne. I’m 24 years old, and I’m not a “Chill Girl.” Did I fool you?
I’ll tell you what I am: boy crazy, obsessive, highly anxious, a tad OCD, introverted, someone who cries at romantic comedies, someone who’s susceptible to falling in love easily—especially if you have good taste in music and are emotionally unavailable—someone who “revenge-Tinders” when she gets let down by a guy (a term I coined recently after I found out I was dealing with a fuckboy and made it my mission to get back at him). And, yes, I’m also someone who coins her own phrases, laughs at her own jokes, etc. My friends will be the first to tell you I am not subtle at all and am practically an open book once you get to know me.
I’m not a Chill Girl or a Cool Girl with a slew of dirty jokes on deck, who chows down on Big Macs without worrying what it’s doing to my body, and doesn’t believe in the idea of labels because relationships don’t last, anyway. I thought I’d lay that all out on the table now, so I can tell you how I tried (and failed) to be the Chill Girl.
Let’s first talk about the qualities that define a “Chill Girl.”
Gillian Flynn so accurately depicts the “Cool Girl” in her novel-turned-film, “Gone Girl,” so I’m going to let her description take the reigns on this one:
“Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot.”
A “Chill Girl” is just like the Cool Girl, but according to Medium writer Alana Massey, the “Chill Girl” lacks a specific passion. “Chill is what Cool would look like with a lobotomy and no hobbies,” she writes.
I tried to be the Chill Girl (again, did I fool you?) and I lost sight of myself.
A couple of years ago, I had just gotten out of a relationship, the end of which I blamed myself for, and I decided that I needed to change. I dyed my hair darker, developed a “fuck it” kind of attitude, and made a bunch of new friends, the majority of whom were guys who loved to smoke weed, play video games and host ironic house parties on the weekends.
I soon started dating one of the guys in the group, who was really into flannel, modern art and Tame Impala. I decided to do everything I didn’t do with my last boyfriend and just play it “cool” instead. This included: wait at least 22 minutes to answer his texts, always say yes to spontaneous Taco Bell at 2am after casual sex, and give an up-in-the-air “maybe” when he’d ask if I was free over the weekend, even though I 100% knew I was. We never ever talked about our feelings for one another, even though not having that clarity was killing me inside.
Months later, we ended up having “the talk” after he said he wanted to put a label on things. We were drunk, of course. Out of nowhere, I surprised myself by saying I didn’t want to be exclusive, and that I was cool with the way things were going. (Aaaaand then I ended up hooking up with his best friend, because that’s what Cool Girls do, right?) At the time, I was confused and not honest with myself about what I wanted. When you spend so much time trying to be something, you end up surprising yourself when you actually become that something—sort of like Cady in “Mean Girls,” who pretends to be Plastic and ends up becoming “cold hard shiny Plastic” instead.
By playing all those games, I ruined the chance of actually finding happiness with a great guy.
Because here’s the thing…the Cool Girl does not exist.
If you haven’t read or watched “Gone Girl,” right after Amy’s spiel about the Cool Girl, she says something vital that everyone needs to know: “Men actually think this girl exists. (Hint: she doesn’t.)”
The Cool Girl is not real. Neither is the Chill Girl. As I learned, it’s easy to take on this persona when you want to get someone to like you. Thanks to rom coms and teen soap operas, a lot of women, like me, have grown up thinking that acting nonchalant and uninterested will have all the guys flocking to you instead of the girl who’s neurotic and outspoken—aka the girl who has no chill.
I’m not saying that if you’re naturally a Type B person, you should become super hyper—but what I am saying is not to change who you are just because you think you have to attract a certain person. When you don’t act like yourself, you don’t fall for the right person, either.
Even famous women are called “insane” if they date around.
Just think of Taylor Swift when she was dating a bunch. Not only was she slut-shamed, but the media also projected onto her the “crazy serial dater” label. Tabloids published stories on why Tay couldn’t keep a guy around to save her life, hinting that she must secretly be crazy—because apparently that’s what happens when a girl really likes a guy! But when a man is dating woman after woman, why isn’t he called out for being insane? Instead of being dubbed a “crazy serial dater,” he’s applauded.
That’s the other thing—the stereotypical male is direct and forthcoming when “courting” someone he likes. It only makes sense that us ladies should enjoy the same privilege. It’s 2016, for god’s sake. But instead, when women are straightforward with their feelings, we get that “crazy” label coming back to haunt us.
It’s time we put the Chill Girl stereotype to rest once and for all and embrace crazy being direct about our feelings.
I’m not saying I’m now 100% myself when going after guys I like. There’s still a part of me that wants to wait an eternity to watch their Snapchats and not look at their Stories unless they’ve seen mine. But I am working on it. Here’s a list of things I’m learning to do to say #BoyBye to the Chill Girl stereotype:
— If you like someone, TELL HIM.
— Don’t wait 22 minutes to answer a goddamn text message.
— Just open the Snapchat once you get it.
— Go ahead and stalk him on social media. You know you want to.
— Check in with yourself about your comfort with the direction in which things are headed.
— It’s OK to cry over guys sometimes. Especially if they don’t like you back and act like jerks. ’Cause that just sucks.
— If you sense the person is pulling back or that you’re being played, GTFO.
— Don’t have the “what are we” conversation while drunk at 3am.
— Caring about someone. You’re not a psychopath, I swear.
Yeah, I still question my decisions when it comes to guys. Mostly, I question my feelings and if they’re right or wrong. But if all we do is hesitate and dwell on the fantasy of the Chill Girl we’re supposed to be, instead of just being who we actually are, what’s the point of anything in life?