Hipster-Santa Exists And Children Who Met Him Can Never Love Christmas Again

by N/A, 8 years ago | 3 min read

Santa Claus is supposed to be a symbol of the season. He brings toys to children who've been good all year. He's jolly. He's worldly. He's accepting of everyone's wishes. He's bearded.

Hipsters, on the other hand, only fall under the latter of those descriptions: bearded. That's what makes this hipster-Santa in a Portland, Oregon, mall not only frightening, but downright confusing. They must think Santa should be telling kids he was into Christmas way before it was cool or they were even born.

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Pioneer Place Mall decided, in Portland-esque fashion, that Santa needed a millennial makeover featuring some trendy cardigan over the top a flannel, thick rimmed glasses, a man-bun and of course an unkempt beard. Well, the latter was already included.

Look at that: he's even got himself a nice smug, hipster look on his face that says: "Yeah, I've heard of it (it being anything imaginable that he can pretend he knows about). Actually I'm writing something about it (whatever it may be he's lying about) on my typewriter. Did you see my typewriter over there? Yeah, I'm personally bringing that whole trend back."

His makeover wouldn't be complete without proper accessories and tools. The typewriter certainly added a hipster touch to his new-found fashion sense, but torturing reindeer forcing them to work long nights with the crack of a whip? Nah, he rides a bike.

Surprisingly, it doesn't appear to be a fixie, but it's still "green" transportation and that's all a hipster-Santa truly cares about. KOIN 6 was on the scene and captured everything there was to know about this hipster-Santa, meaning they captured the moments of terror coming from the eyes of children.

These two don't have a clue what's going on here. Where's his red suit? Where's his elves? Sleigh? That poor girl looks very uncomfortable with some coffee shop dweller pretending to be from the North Pole.

We assume at this moment he was saying:

"Sorry little girl, Santa can only get your a new dress if it's made of organic material. And hey little boy, I dig your cardigan. I'll get you that bike if you agree to meet up for coffee with me on it sometime."

The poor little guy just wants to get the heck out of there and go meet the real Santa instead of some guy who just so happens to have a long white beard and most likely an extensive vinyl collection.

We can't imagine this boy will be staying up to leave cookies out for Santa on Christmas Eve. He was probably confused when hipster-Santa told him if he plans on doing so it would need to be soy milk and gluten-free cookies.

You can watch this quick meet and greet with hipster-Santa provided by KXAN if you want to get a peek at that horrendously hipster man-bun when he turns to the side.

Sing it, altogether now:

"You better watch out // You better not cry // You better not pout, I'm telling you why // Santa Claus is coming to town (to stuff your stockings with invites to his DJ show on New Year's Eve)"