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Apr 2023

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These 7 Cocktails Are Beautifully Christmasy and Nicer Than Your Relatives

by N/A, 8 years ago | 2 min read

The holidays is a time of getting together with your family and discussing everything that has transpired over the course of the year. It's also a time when you feel you have to defend everything that has transpired over the course of the year, and that leads back to your other life decisions and then all out awkwardness ensues. Is there any way to combat being around your family, as forced by the coming of the holiday season? Other than avoiding them completely, no. But, you could just booze.

Christmas comedy Alcohol winter Beer Wine holidays Humor Satire Beverages Alcoholic Drinks Non-Premium

1. Hot buttered hazelnut whiskey is perfect for trying to explain your career choices to a distant relative…

Distant relative: "So, what is it that you do, because I don't understand. You know, I could get you a good job with benefits with a buddy of mine."

*sips hot buttered hazelnut whiskey*

You: "No, thanks. I enjoy my job writing for the Internet, thank you very much!"

If that sounds like something you'll encounter, here's the recipe.

2. This nutcracker cocktail is the best way to numb yourself for all the ball busting that'll ensue

Your Mom or something: "When are you getting married?! What are you waiting for?!"

*sips nutcracker cocktail*

You: "When the time is right, grandma!"

If that sounds like something you'll encounter, here's the recipe.

3. Drinking a warm, chilled marshmallow mocha martini is the only way you'll be able to endure a conversation about politics with an elderly relative

Elderly relative: "You know, we should just (insert somewhat racist comment and something about the economy that has no merit)"

*gulps warm, chilled marshmallow mocha martini*

Thinking to self: "Wow, that was really uncalled for and I completely disagree, but at least my pallet is happy and my belly is warm."

If that sounds like something you'll encounter, here's the recipe.

4. Downing a holiday highball is essential when dealing with the pestering of a cousin that's razzing you

Cousin: "Hey man, remember when we were kids and stuff and you know whatever. HAHA: you were such a loser. I'm king of this town and I'm never going to leave it. WOO!"

*swigs holiday highball*

You: "Yeah, um, you're cool."

If that sounds like something you'll encounter, here's the recipe.

5. Enjoying a pomegranate rosemary spritzer is a tasty way to nod your head as if you're listening when in fact you aren't

An annoying aunt: "So like, me and…" (voice fades into the background)

*casually taking sips of pomegranate rosemary spritzer and nodding head while pretending to give a care about whatever she's rambling about*

You: "……………"

If that sounds like something you'll encounter, here's the recipe.

6. Drinking a warm spiced vanilla cocktail will help you feel relaxed enough to let your sibling know they don't need to judge you all the time

Sibling: "Well, well, well: if it isn't my baby (brother/sister)! What the heck are you doing with your life? Don't you want to be successful like me? Don't you want all this?!"

*tops of warm spiced vanilla cocktail and then takes another hefty drink while pausing for dramatic effect, staring them in the eye*

You: "No."

If that sounds like something you'll encounter, here's the recipe.

7. When push comes to shove, drink a stout gingerbread flip to calm yourself before pushing and/or shoving any of your relatives

Relative that thinks they need to give you advice about everything all the time: "You know, you should do (insert whatever the hell they think you should do with your life even though they don't necessarily have theirs figured out yet even)."

*take another drink of stout gingerbread flip*

You: (are imaging punching them in the face, but don't, because that would mean you'd lose your drink and it's too delicious to not enjoy every last drop. Maybe punch them after it's gone, but not before)