We Watched 'Game Of Thrones' For The First Time And Were Really Damn Confused
Spoiler alert? We actually have no idea...
In a magical world far far away, two girls who have never watched an episode of "Game of Thrones" try to make sense of the season 6 premiere.
Despite the fact that our office is gaga for GoT (we're currently working in a conference room called King's Landing), we don't know Westeros from Winterfell. We tuned in Sunday night for an hour of confusing names and weird languages, complete with a show intro that's basically just a Settlers of Catan box come to life. By the time the episode was over we were left scratching our heads. Where were the dragons? Where was all the sex? We only saw two boobs in the whole episode! There were no games, and as far as we could tell, not even one throne.
Since we're now basically experts, we mapped out what went down in the Game of Thrones universe from that tropical island world to the crappy version of the castle world.
George R. R. Martin, we’re waiting for your call.
Yes, we do recognize that this looks like a conspiracy theorist's basement wall.
Winter World / Winterfell
Where: I'd say winter has fully arrived at this point. This snow-globe world seems separate from the other worlds because, what, weather doesn't travel?
Who: Mostly men, all wearing fur and feather capes. They have long hair and magical wolves, but also regular dogs.
What: JON SNOW IS DEAD. And he left a very nice bloody snow angel behind. A Russell Crowe lookalike (Thorne?) claims to have killed Jon Snow, who was maybe his landlord.
Where: IDK, but looks like the Alcazar gardens of Seville had a baby with the Taj Mahal.
Who: A king, some guards with cool hats and some pretty ladies hanging out in the sun. The pretty lady is up to no good.
What: An out-of-touch king gets knifed by the pretty lady. Welp, that came out of nowhere. Damn, she really twisted that knife.
Murder number two: Is that the little girl from "Whale Rider"? Why does she have a spear? "We're not here to feed you, we're here to kill you." Oh shit, she is brutal! Poor guy gets stabbed right through the nose!
Still no dragons.
Tropical Island World / Westeros?
Where: Well this place seems to have a much better climate—definitely where we'd want to live.
Who: Incestuous siblings who also seem to have a thing for leather outfits. Is the short-haired lady a reincarnation of Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell?
What: A witch cursed this lady's children and now they're all dead* (which may have happened anyway since their parents were siblings).
*We sense some murderous revenge on the horizon.
WHY NO DRAGONS?
Castle World / King's Landing?
Where: Medieval UK, probs. There are castles and foggy fields.
Who: Dude with lizard rash, his hunky companion on horseback and a blind girl.
What: A queen is imprisoned and there is some kind of nun inquisitor lady trying to force her to confess something—probably that she's sleeping with her brother?
The inquisitor threatens seven hells. THAT'S SO MANY HELLS!
Why is that jerk beating the blind girl with a stick?! Oooh, she's getting Karate-kidded. That's her Mr. Miyagi.
Darn, we really thought this would be the world with dragons.
Crappy King's Landing / Valyria?
Where: The underbelly of King's Landing? Seems to have no infrastructure, lots of destruction and everything's on fire.
Who: Poor people with dirty faces and cool belts. Also, Peter Dinklage disguised as a monk?
What: A lady thinks Dinklage wants to eat her baby. The 99% rallies in support of super blonde lady/dragon mom Sanders-style. Who is Mhysa and why do people hate her so much?
So sick of worlds without dragons.
Nomad World / Pentos?
Where: In the middle of the desert with no real buildings, just a bunch of tents.
Who: Nomadic jerks who kidnapped the dragon mom. The guys have some serious facial hair and a bunch of wives? Khal = king, Khaleesi = princess.
What: Dragon mom is captured by mean men on horses who tell bad yo mama jokes. They were gonna rape her but she says she was like, married to a king, so they leave her alone because of bro code.
DRAGON MOM BUT NO DRAGONS? WHAT IS THIS GARBAGE!?
- What's up with that guy with a lizard rash? He's probably a reptilian overlord with ties to the U.S. government, sent to get his message out to GoT fans.
- Remember in the recap when you pulled that girl's face off and it became another face? Umm, what!? You're just going to leave us with that? WE WANT ANSWERS.
- Is that wheelchair really a throne?
- Hey girl, where'd you get that necklace that keeps your body so damn bangin'?
- Where are the goddamn dragons???