Sometimes I look at a coworker and just wonder, “How are you even employed!?”
I once had a coworker with insane control issues. She was so overbearing, she once went through my trash to make sure I had been recycling my Vitamin Water. OK, so I hadn’t been, but that was beside the point! Her micromanagement inevitably forced me to quit the company.
When you’re working in a social environment, you’re bound to come across a few cuckoo birds. Sometimes they’ve just got one annoying habit that picks at you until you’re imagining stabbing them with a #2 pencil through their beady little eyes.
You have to look past it. It’s your job to work as a team and move past their weirdo quarks, BUT sometimes they make it very hard.
The “Overqualified” Millennial
We get it, you interned with Oprah or whatever. Can I just say that I’m really not that impressed? You try to casually brag that you’re much more advanced than your title, but you took the job anyway. Am I supposed to feel blessed by your presence? As much as you’d like to believe you’re above us bottom-feeding entry-leveler losers, you’re one of us. Get over it.
This person takes their job WAY too seriously. Chill the fuck out, dude. If we run out of paper clips, that doesn’t mean a fucking apocalypse is upon us. I also don’t want your stupid scissors, so there’s no need to Sharpie your name on them with aggressive underlines. You do a great job, but why not consider letting someone else do something? You look like you need a nap.
The Ex You Still Work With
Well, shit. Your office relationship didn’t work out? Who could have predicted this would happen? Now you’ve got to see their stupid face EVERY DAY. You obviously can’t focus on work when you’re worried they’re already dating someone new. You second-guess every word of every email and assess how they’d interpret it. Did that sound bitchy? Now you have to come to the office looking cute every day and pretend like you’re all strong and over it.
The Nosey Aunt You Didn’t Ask For
Bitch quit asking me when I’m going to get married. Brandon and I just broke up! Why else would I look like something that just got fished out of a bathroom drain?
Gross Eating Habits Person
We have an open office, so you can’t just lick your yogurt lid. And it should go without saying that sucking on the inside of the popcorn bag is SOLELY a home activity when you’re completely and utterly alone.
The One Who Wants To Be “Real Life Friends”
You’re very sweet, Lauren. I’m grateful for our discussions surrounding this season’s OITNB and I thank God I have someone to laugh with when Jerry is clearly silent farting, BUT you’re kind of a dork. Let’s not make this into something it’s not, K?
Constantly Overwhelmed Person
You have the exact same amount of work as everyone else, yet you’re constantly reminding us how much you have to do. Sure, you’ve got problems in your relationship and your judgmental mom is coming in town, but WE ALL DO. You know what adulthood is, Carrie? It’s a series of terrible events that you struggle through and then you DIE. This is the case for every human on Earth, so take a chill pill.
As a general rule, do not talk to me when things are either entering or exiting my body. You wouldn’t think that needs to be said, but alas. I don’t want to chat about your weekend when I’m concentrating on the matters at hand. Bathroom time is intimate and sacred. If I’m on a toilet, please pretend you don’t know me.
The One Who Happens To Be An Expert In Your Job
Shit, Fran?—?you have a Facebook!? Well smack my ass and call me Mark Zuckerberg, because you should TOTALLY be in charge of Social Media and Marketing! I had no idea! I figured I got hired because of my education and previous experience! You got your degree in Paranormal Studies, right? Well?—?doesn’t matter. Anyone can do my job, really.
Fuck you, Fran. When I want your expertise on ghostbusting, I’ll ask.
Notoriously Late Person
They’re not just late to work. They’re tardy to meetings, lunches, EVERYTHING. The person with this title also usually falls under the category of Constantly Overwhelmed Person. Get your shit together, dude. Make a list. Prioritize. Get an alarm and use a fucking calendar. I don’t think you assume your time is more valuable, I think you’re just a fucking mess.
The Office Flirt
Sick, I can practically see your butthole in that mini skirt, Jennifer. By the way, John’s joke about nimbus clouds was fucking stupid?—?you know it, I know it, the whole team knows it. Frankly, your relentless giggling was out of line. Can you do us all a favor and seek attention elsewhere? This is a place of business. *sips wine out mug*
Passive Aggressive Notes
To the person who writes these and doesn’t sign their name on it: You sir, are a coward and a boner. You leave notes asking me to put away my mug after drying it. I JUST WASHED IT! ISN’T THAT ENOUGH? If we can’t afford to have someone to clean up after me, are we really even a legitimate place of business?
The Person Who Leaves Their Sounds On
Have a little respect, asshole. I absolutely do not want to listen to Dixie Chicks every day. I also don’t need to now every time you receive a text, and email or when you take a selfie. Your constant noises are rude and distracting.
“Reply All” Emailer
This has to be the most egregious offense. YOU are the bane of my existence. I promise you, I really hate you so much. You really think your opinion is so important that the ENTIRE COMPANY needs to hear about it? They do not. Here’s a thought?—?next time you send an email, assess the message you’re about to send and discern who exactly would give a shit about its contents. Hint: it’s not me.