9 People You Can’t Avoid In The Porta -Potty Line At A Music Festival
There’s no getting out of this one.
Standing in line at a porta-potty is one of the most traumatic, yet essential musts when attending a music festival. Staying hydrated is key when attending an outdoor festival on a hot summer’s day, but all that water (or Budweiser) you stored in your Camelback and chugged has to go somewhere.
The road to the porta-potty is a long, unpleasant one filled with strange encounters and weird smells. While in line you stand by some pretty weird people, and they’re more stereotypical than a crop top and flower crown at one of these things.
1. The group of giggling, midriff-bearing prostitots
They’re the definition of millennial you least associate yourself with. (But then again, you are at a music festival, you twenty-something, you.)
This scantily clad group of jailbait?—?usually traveling in triads in the same outfit just different colors?—?is the reason why you’re feeling older than you are when you attend a fest.
They’re loud. You can hear them shrieking “OHMIGAWD” from inside the pee portal. They feel the need to hold up the bathroom line by taking 984753 selfies, to include finding the perfect filter and getting approval from the rest of the group all before realizing they’re at a music festival. Idiots. You have a higher chance of sneaking in a handle of UV Blue than you do getting enough service to post on social media.
2. The high school kid selling baggies of fake drugs
I don’t want any weed that’s probably your mother’s oregano crushed up in the baggies you picked up at the 7/11 on your way here. This guy is Grade-A douche, thinking he’s slick AF in his NBA jersey and knee-high white Nike socks.
He’s weaving through the bathroom lines like a grandma with a needlepoint, so slow and precise you might think he was actually legit. Except for the fact that he’s alone, only looks about 16, and keeps nervously checking over his shoulder in case the festival security catches him.
3. The couple who hasn’t missed a festival since before their first kid
Have you ever wondered who can afford the $47 frozen margarita in a limited-edition cup at a music festival? These guys.
They’ve attended their fair share of festivals, and their effortlessly cool ensembles and mutual appreciation for both each other and music is literal goals.
They’re handing out out band-aids, water bottles and whatever else your fellow misfit festival-goers need while standing in line. When they start talking about the first time they saw The Cure perform, you realize that maybe being an old person ain’t so bad after all.
4. The crying girl no one (herself included) can figure out
You feel bad for her, but you also want her to STFU.
She’s blubbering with mascara tears running down her cheeks as she tries to win your sympathy while also trying to cut you in line. Not going to happen.
Her friends are yelling, “Tiffanyyyy GET OVER HERE. COME. AWN,” but Tiffany yells something inaudible back, prompting more sobs and a standstill in line.
A few kind souls ask if she’s okay, but that only further opens the floodgates. You thank Yeezus you’re in front of her because It’s going to take a lot of TP to clean that Niagara Falls looking mess on her face.
5. The couple whose PDA indicates they’re about to make the filthy porta-potty even dirtier
They can’t. Stop. Touching.
You think you’re going to get pregnant just looking at them. All signs lead to them entering the porta-potty together, emitting bodily fluids that aren’t meant to be released in such a small, dank space.
You expect them to exit in 5–7 minutes with tangled hair and disheveled tops and bottoms, but you’re not going to stick around to see if you’re right.
6. The quiet kid in high school who now looks totally different
You’re standing in line and a pink-haired, bare chested, leather vest-wearing David Bowie wannabe exits the porta-potty and heads toward a group of other weird but cool looking people in front of you.
You do a double-take. Jasper?
Quiet, loner/stoner Jasper has pink hair!? And a vest?! And… friends?!
In high school he was the dweeb who never spoke and only wore white t-shirts and dad jeans. Wow. College did him good.
7. The kids who look like they belong in pre-K?—?not a music festival
These infants are wandering around and you’re wondering if that monstrosity of PDA had time to make, carry, and birth a baby while they were in the bathroom.
Jeez, how long have you been in line?
Their Baby Gap clothes and dirty faces look oddly similar to the prostitots you saw earlier, making you question if anything on this earth is sacred?—?or has an age limit?—?anymore.
8. The girl who pulls off every single festival trend in one outfit and looks disgustingly flawless doing it
This is the trendy bitch whose outfit you wish you could afford to wear to a festival but can’t.
The ensemble prompts you to screenshot Free People and Nylon Instagrams months before the event, making a note to drop some pounds and some dollars to pull off the look, but never actually get around to actually doing it.
Well, this bitch did and she looks flawless. This Gigi Hadid-esque goddess is so annoyingly perfect, you find yourself wishing she’ll hit the john that’s overloaded with shit.
Her foundation isn’t streaking from sweat; her hair is laying in perfect, beachy waves; and she smells like jasmine. Yep, she’s an alien. But apparently aliens have to pee, too.
9. The super old dude seeing the one band in the lineup that’s older than most people at the festival
This guy gives a casual head nod and “hey, man” to anyone that makes eye contact with him, which is a pretty hard thing to do since his eyes are half-shut anyway.
Dude’s baked like a cake.
He reeks of weed and looks old as shit, but you know you’d buy from him before the junior high kid in the jersey any day. Honestly, you know this dude probably has some wild stories from Woodstock or some shit like that, but you’ve got to pee so bad that you’re not willing to stick around and listen.