Take a good, hard look at yourself. The stars certainly have and they see right through you.
Astrology signs have a deep connection with elements like fire, water, air, wood and earth. We look to the stars for relationship advice and for a glimpse into who we are within. Unfortunately, sometimes the bitter truth is that who we are within, is a giant fart. Thanks to the zodiac for the heads up on our inherent ass-holey-ness.
Aries (March 21 April 19)
You’re considered the infant of the zodiac for a reason, Aries. For example, you’ve likely thrown a fit at the drop of a pacifier at least twice this week. It’s imperative you learn that crying like a little bitch isn’t going to solve your problems.
You also may be having trouble in your personal life. Could it be that you’re a preemie in the bedroom as well? This is a common short-coming (pun intended) for Aries. Passing out and leaving your partner unsatisfied isn’t the way to avoid answering the question.
Taurus (April 20 May 20)
You’re probably wrestling with some serious life changes, dear Taurus, since you’re a stubborn turd who won’t let others get their way. As much as you want to win that parking spot standoff, consider turning off your angry blinker and letting the other car get the spot closest to Target, for once.
When Neptune is in rising, try actually moving from the couch to the bed, instead of sleeping in the living room with all the lights on like a lazy SOB.
Gemini (May 21 June 20)
Are you an air sign, or an air head? You’re the bitch at the party every attendee is petrified to encounter. You’re so superficial and judgmental, whoever isn’t up to your standards of appearance or socialization, better BEWARE your negative energy. You’ll call them and their overalls out in the most humiliating way you can think of.
Cancer (June 21 July 22)
When Mercury enters your sign, people should not seek solace for the recent death of their poor sweet granny from the likes of you, Cancer. You’ll only interrupt by whining about a pimple you had a few days ago.
Anyone close to you has to come equipped with pompoms , because you’re a combination of self-absorbed and self-pitying (a Pisces is your best bet, being that you’re both whiny water signs). You require constant encouragement and support from everyone around you. You are fucking exhausting.
Leo (July 23 August 22)
You’re the son of the Sun, Leo, not the son of God—although that’s what you liken yourself to. You require more attention than any of the Kardashians, combined.
You’re self-centered, vain and would run in circles doing a fart dance if it guaranteed all eyes on you. A constant stream of compliments still is simply not enough—you prefer for all of your adoring fans to be so far up your ass, they could wear you as a hat.
Virgo (August 23 September 22)
You’re a cold and distant hypocrite, buddy. You use honesty as a crutch to persecute others for faults you commit yourself. You’re like the hipster that avoids Justin Bieber music, because you know that if you were to listen, you’d probably be his biggest fan.
But it’s easier for Mercury signs like yourself stand back and judge rather than allow yourself to be open and divulge your weaknesses. Open yourself up and be real, Virgo. No one likes a coward.
Libra (September 23 October 22)
You’re the Paris Hilton of the zodiac. As an Air-y Libra, you’re every bit as the vain as the blonde celeb (famously known for absolutely nothing) and twice as superficial. You flit from person to person like a social butterfly, but you’re more annoying than a mosquito.
Scorpio (October 23 November 21)
Your modern sign would look less like a scorpion, and more like Chris Brown. Like the rapper, you’re highly obsessive and jealous, and when it comes to matters of love, you’re extremely possessive.
If you feel you’ve been wronged by someone, you go full Regina George on them. You’re willing to go to any extent to destroy them, perhaps even hurting yourself in the process.
Sagittarius (November 22 December 21)
Anyone who’s undergone plastic lip surgery just to match Kylie Jenner’s selfie game is probably a Sagittarius. You praise yourself so much, whenever you catch your own reflection (which is not hard to do because you’re constantly in front of a mirror), you wink and blow yourself a little kiss. You’re flakier than grandma’s pie crust, just not as sweet.
Capricorn (December 22 January 19)
You know the dad from “Hook,” who misses one too many baseball games because he’s too busy closing business deals? That dad is a Capricorn. You direct all your Earth energy to attain success and you’re perfectly willing to use whomever’s head is nearest as a stepping stone to getting there.
You are so used to being in control that even trusting a sandwich artist at Subway is stepping outside your comfort zone. Consider unclenching your butt cheeks and letting others take the wheel, will ya?
Aquarius (January 20 February 18)
The Sun affirms that you’re the sick fuck who laughs at a funeral?—?perhaps the lead singer of Barenaked Ladies is also an Aquarius. You’ve got a dark sense of humor and people struggle to respond to your constant sarcasm. You’re unemotional and distant, which, to be honest, is probably best for everyone.
Uranus will align with the moon this month, making you even more impulsive and rebellious than usual?—?if that’s even possible. Try to not be the asshole who drives on the shoulder just to cut three cars in traffic.
Pisces (February 19 March 20)
Pisces, your main obstacle is that you’re the kind of person who cries?—?like, literally breaks down in tears?—?because your sock is sliding off inside your shoe. A mild inconvenience spirals into full-blown depression, and you have a tendency of overreacting to mild inconveniences. Vincent Van Gogh was a Pisces. Doesn’t that make so much sense?
Over the next few days, you may find yourself switching from extreme happiness to intense despair, since you are the zodiac’s borderline schizophrenic sign. Mercury doesn’t know what to do with your up and down emotions, so maybe just pop a Xanax, take some deep breaths and try not to cut your ear off this week.