Your vagina is not a prom dress; it doesn’t need steaming.

GOOP is trying to destroy you.

People have loved to hate on GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow’s hyper-privileged mom blog on crack, since its launch in 2008. She’s so out of touch with regular humans that she actually gives advice on such topics as how to yacht affordably and how to correctly yawn. We should know it’s all bogus and yet, the site gets around 1 million unique visitors per month.

If you happen to be part of the 1% elite who can afford a $700 juicer or designer bikinis for children, then just keep doing you, I guess. But for the love of God, please stop taking Gwyneth Paltrow’s cuckoo-bananas advice on what to do with your body. As her “health” recommendations increase in absurdity, I’ve become convinced that she is out to kill all other rich white women to make more room for herself at the top. So next time you’re browsing GOOP for chia seed meatball recipes, remember these nutso nuggets of advice and reconsider the source.

A shiny golden dildo is not worth $15,000 of credit card debt.


Yes, your body is a treasure and you should only put well-made sex toys in your vagina. But let’s be real: A $15,000, 24-karat gold dildo that you are just gonna cover with your twat-snot? Don’t do it! $15,000 could get you an in-state college education! Or a sensible used car! Gwynnie is trying to keep you financially oppressed; I’m sure of it.

Your vagina is not shamefully dirty and doesn’t need to be steam-cleaned.

Period View

Ladies, your vagina is not a prom dress. Just because Gwyneth Paltrow is pretty doesn’t mean you should listen to her when she tells you to sit over a pot of steaming mugwort at Tikkun Spa’s “V-Steam.” Your body knows how to clean itself just fine, so don’t go risking a yeast infection to fit in with the GOOPers.

Your bra is not trying to kill you.


Despite being debunked by science a million years ago, GOOP gave new life to the age-old myth that wearing a bra will give you breast cancer. In fact, the American Cancer Society states such claims are “inconsistent with scientific concepts of breast physiology and pathology.” Maybe if we all go braless, GOOP can sell more of its $1,700 one-shoulder jumpsuits.

In your quest for beauty, you should not let a bee sting your face.

Home Remedies For Life

In a very strange interview with the New York Times, GP revealed that she has paid to let bumblebees sting her in order to reduce inflammation and scarring. “It’s actually pretty incredible,” said Gwynnie, “but man, it’s painful.” Trust me, ladies: masochism isn’t pretty.

Drugstore sunscreen is not of the devil.


Despite contrary evidence from the American Academy of Dermatology, the science-ish people of GOOP tell their readers that traditional sunscreen will fuck with your hormones and turn your kids into little freaks. What do they recommend? Only the best $40 sunscreen alternatives sold exclusively in the GOOP store, of course. Surely scaring people away from sun protection will keep them healthy and cute.

You should not clean out your insides with soup-induced diarrhea.

Skinny Souping

G. Pal thinks your insides are dirty. She wants you to believe that your organs are just covered in sludge that needs to be cleansed out of you with copious amounts of juice and/or soup. Or maybe she’s really trying to make you a slave to your toilet with a terrible case of diarrhea. Nicole Richie knows what I’m talking about.