Curse you, tofu, for not tasting like buffalo wings.
Veganism is basically the diet of the future: it’s ethical for animals, better for the environment and significantly more nutritious for humans. Vegans say they feel more focused, have an easier time exercising and generally feel happier. All around, I would be a better person if I participated in this lifestyle. Many vegans also say they “don’t crave meat or dairy anymore.” To those vegans, I say bullshit, because even though I know the benefits of veganism, I literally always go running back to the line at Chipotle for a carnitas burrito (double meat obviously).
I’ve “gone vegan” maybe six or seven times and failed every single attempt. Here are my eight major vegan pitfalls, which are either relatable or disturbing, depending on how closely you identify with a childlike lack of self-control.
1. This one time I was vegan for four days and thought I heard an ice cream truck. I started bawling my eyes out because MAMA NEEDS HER MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP, and then got pissed off about how I shouldn’t want ice cream because it’s bad for me and for cows. Also, the “ice cream truck” turned out to be church bells. So, there’s that.
2. I was vegan for 18 ACTUAL days and my friend dragged me to this poutine place we HAD to try. I believed I had the willpower to sit there and watch my friend enjoy a gravy drizzled, cheese curd monstrosity. I did not.
3. The day before I was supposed to go vegan, I threw a dinner party to get rid of my animal products. Great idea, except then I was stuck with all the leftovers and didn’t even follow through because I was too busy eating pasta, sausage and delicious creamy vodka sauce. #whoops
4. Let me tell you a little story about tofu. I went to Chipotle, clenched my fists and said NO to carnitas and YES to being healthy. And then I found out the hard way that I’m allergic to tofu. And got a carnitas bowl to cheer myself up.
5. I’m not a big fruit fan. No, this isn’t like a picky little kid being all, “Ew, broccoli!” Bitch, I CANNOT EAT IT. Literally every time I eat a strawberry I feel like throwing up, and sometimes I do. That applies for literally every fruit that is not watermelon or an apple. The wonders of nature simply abhor me. #justbeinghonest
6. After one full week of being vegan, I went running with my friend (I know, crazy, I exercised ONE WHOLE TIME). Then he took me to this place called “Fat Sandwich”. Fat Sandwich is like if Epic Meal Time had a restaurant. The sandwich in question was called “The Fat Cubby” and it was 700% NOT VEGAN. It was a magical combination of chicken strips, gyro meat, mozzarella sticks, tzatziki sauce, nacho cheese and french fries, all on a mini French loaf. If you’re keeping score at home, that’s products from THREE DIFFERENT ANIMALS. Did I feel the shameful regrets? Yes, but like, I think I saw baby Jesus for a minute. He told me it was NBD.
7. My mother is not helpful when it comes to ethical eating. She cooks as if Julia Child grew up right next to a butcher shop. One time, after a week of being vegan, I came home to my mom making homemade chicken pot pie AND shepherd’s pie because she believes in “options.” ( I chose shepherd’s pie, because potatoes). And for her and my dad’s anniversary? She got him a gigantic meat smoker and he got her a beef jerky maker. No joke, they literally bought those things for each other. Now that’s what I call true love.
8. Vegan “cheese” tastes like plastic that is melting on the street. I tried to make vegan pizza for my friends, and it was so awful that we went out for REAL pizza and I wrote them all apology notes. On the whole, vegan replacement foods taste like a cruel joke and I’m over here like, “Freelee the Banana Girl betrayed me, she told me I wouldn’t miss cheese but all I want is a Kraft single to wipe away my tears.”
All that said, I keep trying. Because there are secretly delicious vegan things out there and one day I will find one that makes me love it enough to not cry into a burrito. Until that day comes, I’m gonna keep riding this vegan merry-go-round and embrace my frat boy foodie.