The Girl Scout Cookie Conspiracy You Never Knew Existed

On my honor, myASS.

The Girl Scout Cookie Conspiracy You Never Knew Existed

Ilana Gordon

Antonio Manaligod/Dose

“On my honor,” my ASS.

Few things in this world are consistently reliable. For most Americans, that list includes death, paying taxes and enjoying easy annual access to Girl Scout cookies. While the rest of the world goes up in flames, the Thin Mint remains a steadfast source of comfort, consistency and perfection.

OR DOES IT?

In a truly breaking news story, CNN reports that not all Girl Scout cookies are created equally. In fact, the area you live in dictates which Girl Scout cookies are available to you.

This year marks the 100-year anniversary of the Girls Scouts selling baked goods. The farce has gone on long enough. It’s time to blow the lid off the Great Cookie Conspiracy.

One cookie to rule them all? Not quite

Five years after the Girls Scouts’ founding in 1912, scouts in Muskogee, Oklahoma began selling homemade baked goods as a fundraiser. These treats caught on quickly and soon, troops were unable to keep up with the insatiable demand for cookies.

To maximize their profits, the scouts turned to manufacturers. By 1948, Girl Scout cookies were baked in 29 different factories. Since then, those factories have been whittled down to two: Little Brownie Bakers, based out of Louisville, Kentucky and ABC Bakers, based out of Richmond, Virginia.

Cookie jurisdictions appear fairly indiscriminate: The Dallas area is serviced by Little Brownie Bakers, while neighboring Fort Worth receives cookies manufactured by ABC Bakers. It’s important to note this distinction because these two factories make completely different cookies, right down to the cookie names and product packaging.

Mark Coffey Photo/Getty Images

Little Brownie Bakers is responsible for standards like Trefoils, Do-si-dos, Samoas and Savannah Smiles. ABC Bakers creates classics like Shortbreads, Peanut Butter Sandwiches, Peanut Butter Patties, Lemonades, Caramel deLites and the most passive aggressive cookie, Thanks-a-lots.

Thin Mints remain the most popular Girl Scout cookie and both factories manufacture the treat. But they utilize different recipes and the cookies look and taste differently depending on where they’re made (Little Brownie Baker’s interpretation of the gold-standard cookie is smoother, while ABC’s version is crunchier and more minty.)

Both factories also bake different versions of the newest Girl Scout offering, S’mores cookies. Little Brownie’s take on the campfire classic is a rectangular-shaped graham cracker sandwich that will run you 75 calories per cookie. ABC’s version is a chocolate-covered square that will set you back 90 calories per treat.

The Girl Scout cookie program is an opportunity for young women to hone their entrepreneurial skills and almost one million scouts participate every year. Collectively, they sell approximately 2 million cookies and make about $800 million in profits, which goes towards benefitting local troops and funding programs for the scouts.

OR SO THEY TELL US. We’re onto you, Girl Scouts. We’ll buy your cookies, but this is the last time we’ll swallow your lies.