The Ultimate Guide To Dating A Milkshake (Yes, Literally)

The Ultimate Guide To Dating A Milkshake (Yes, Literally)

Dee Fabbricatore

I finally chose happiness and you can too.

For years, both my mom and Cosmopolitan magazine have been telling me to date my best friend and, like a fool, I blatantly ignored them. Instead, I dated a bunch of depressed derps who all broke my heart. And through all my ups and downs, who was my de facto buddy? Milkshakes. They helped me through breakups, job struggles and the highly emotional Friday Night Lights series finale. I mean HELLO, did I need a bigger sign?!? My true partner had been there all along and I’d been too stubborn to see.

So I finally took the plunge and started dating a milkshake, and let me just say, I’ve never been happier. Even my family loves them, except for Uncle Brian, who’s a lactose intolerant jerk anyway. Still, even if there’s clear chemistry, it can be scary to make it official with the milkshake of your dreams. Here are my personal tips to make your human/dairy relationship as passionate and fulfilling as mine.

If you’re happily dating a dairy product, you’re bound to gain a few pounds. Just remember: You have the right to feel sexy at any size, and don’t let any milkshake tell you otherwise.

Because at a certain point, “hi, this is milkshake” just sounds ridiculous.

Even though your impulse is to hang out together nonstop, it’s important to keep your own hobbies, like playing tennis or bathing on a regular basis. It wouldn’t be healthy mentally or physically — but especially physically.

Missionary (AKA sitting upright with the straw in your mouth) can get boring, especially if you’ve been together for awhile. Switch it up by removing the straw entirely and introducing a spoon to the relationship. If your milkshake gets, um, soft, take its top off and slowly pour it down your throat. I guarantee you’ll finish every single time.

I’m not telling you to take your milkshake on a surprise horseback ride, but I’m also not not telling you to do that, either.

It’s tough to open up and reveal your deep secrets, but the more you do, the closer you two will become. Take it from me, you should come clean about how many other milkshakes you’ve been with. That type of honesty builds trust and communication.

Just the other day, another milkshake hit on me while I was out with some girlfriends at a diner and it was really hard not to flirt back. But the important part is that I successfully resisted, and my milkshake at home was none the wiser. Minimize temptations by avoiding hotspots like Dairy Queen, Baskin Robbins, etc.

This is another great way to keep things fresh. Last week, my milkshake and I met in a gym locker room, where it pretended to be a green juice smoothie and I pretended to be an active person. Let’s just say things got sticky.

No, really. I mean literally mix up your milkshake.

It can be pretty annoying when your milkshake doesn’t have enough cookie dough or accidentally gives you diarrhea. But it’s important to never go to bed hangry, so work through your problems together, even if it’s on the toilet.

My soulmate and I are thinking of opening up our relationship to a very attractive peanut butter number. Polyamory isn’t for everyone, but if you’re secure and think a third party would enhance your connection, I say go for it.

Got any tips of your own for dating milkshakes? Share in the comments!