We’re all someone’s “psycho ex.” Rather than argue it, why not attribute it to your astrological identity? According to astrology, our elemental make-up and ruling planets play a big role in romance and how we interact with loved ones. So, if there’s anyone to blame for my 15 pounds of depression weight, it’s Mercury.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
You’re a tough fire sign, so you don’t lay around in your snot-filled bed with a tub of Chunky Monkey like a normal person. Oh, you feel the pain—but you avoid emotion by being insanely active. After a breakup, you can be found grunting along to Beyoncé on a 5 a.m. run, or redoing your wood floors by hand (a la Martha Stewart). The only time you actually scrub your bath tub is during a breakup. Avoiding the pain might not be very emotionally healthful, but your apartment has never looked better.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’re the ex who calls your lover at 2 a.m. every Saturday night for six months, threatening a hunger strike (though, you never actually intend to go without food). All you can think about are the good times: giggling during late-night chats, Saturday morning snuggling, or the trip you planned for his birthday. Over the next month, you’ll gain 15 pounds of tear-soaked Tollhouse due to sheer depression.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re the psycho who cuts off all their hair, moves to Japan and starts going by the name Donghai. You’re all about passion and excitement, so when your ruling sign (Mercury) has you feeling especially low, you like to replace it with something new and thrilling to take away the sting. It’s safe to assume every girl with a septum piercing and bleached hair is just a Gemini going through a tough breakup.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You respond to a breakup with fiery nudes to your ex. You become a phycho-skank, desperately hoping to win him/her back with reminders of your killer rack. A breakup with a Cancer is particularly unhealthy, because they invented confusing breakup sex. You’re walk away with absolutely no closure and will probably find yourself between the sheets with your ex. This repetitive process will only make you feel more broken and used. It’s a long, painful, lusty road until you’re over the breakup, Cancer.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
You post pictures of everything you’re doing, hoping your ex sees. “Here’s a picture of me sitting in the car, world!” The lighting was great. Your Friday-night-out Instagram caption reads “Out having an AMAZING TIME with my #1 Babes!” You’re in need of a serious boost, so any comments you get are exactly what your hurt lion ego needs. Also, you’re hoping Matt’s going to see how cute you look and have a change of heart. It’s worth a shot, right?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
I like to refer to those born under the sign of the Virgin, as Stage 5 Clingers. Once you’ve invested emotion and time into a relationship, you’re willing lick your loved-one’s butt hole to make it work. As soon as you sense the relationship beginning to go sour, you latch on with all the vigor of a blood-sucking tick. When begging doesn’t work, a scorned Virgo will use their intelligence and problem-solving skills to concoct unthinkable schemes to keep their loved ones near. False pregnancy and terminal illnesses are not off limits. All I’m saying is, if you’ve dated a Virgo, always ask for a paternity test.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
If you’ve broken up with a Libra, say goodbye to your toothbrush and every item of clothing you left with them. They’re not returning them. They’ve got a candle-enclosed shrine hanging out in their closet, dedicated to you and all of your shit. They fondle your sweat-stained hoodie, violently sobbing into the night. Now, if you’re the psycho Libra, do the right thing and give your ex their shit back. After all, what are you going to do with an expired license and soiled pair of underwear anyway?
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You don’t take kindly to rejection. After a breakup, you immediately go for the china and start smashing shit. You get aggressive and cut his face out of every picture. You stalk his Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat—even his Linkedin. You call out any girls who comment on his posts. When you find out he’s dating again, you hunt down the woman to warn her about what a shitbag he is.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
More than any other sign, you’re prone to on-again, off-again relationships. Your fiery spirit requires intense romance and lust, so committing to a single person is difficult for you (read: you fuck around like Charlie Sheen). You can never decide what you want, so your relationships consist of you using people’s emotions as your own personal Duncan yo-yo. You don’t mean to be so destructive, but you are.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You’re the crazy ex who’ll reach out to your lover’s mom in hopes of somehow finding a way back into their heart. What are you trying to pull, Capricorn? You barely made conversation with the woman at Christmas, but suddenly you’ve got a joint appointment at Pinky Nail Salon? You can drop your cold exterior and pretend to be all attentive (to the wrong person) if you want, but as long you keep acting, they’re going to see right through you—just like your ex. Call your own mom if you’re seeking sympathy.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
The water-bearer sign is manipulative and maniacal when it comes to rejection. You find ways to ruin your exe’s life—but secretly. Your lover will never suspect that you’re crazy, but one day—perhaps years later—they’ll be alone with a dead cat, rocking themselves in the corner of a dark room humming “Cat Scratch Fever” over and over again. This sad sack will never suspect you were behind it all.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
You could be the most unnerving ex of them all. The fish is sleek, free and always floating around relationships without ever really attaching to anyone. You’ll be watching your ex of five years with dead eyes, more concerned about dinner than the fact that he/she is packing their bags. “We were dating?” you’ll say, as your lover throws your family photos in a suitcase and walks out the door with your Terrier.