A 15th century manual says witches collected phalluses. Hell yeah.

If the horror drama, “Salem” taught us anything, it’s that early modern witches wore the (theoretical) trousers. If a man crossed you, it was a simple fix: Shove a frog down their throat like “Salem”’s Mary Sibley— that shut her husband up. Or if all else fails, chop off their penis and call it a pet. That’s what Herinrich Kramer suggests witches did, anyway.

One of the first recorded penis panics is cited in “Malleus Maleficarum” a 15th-century witch-hunting manual, written by German Clergyman Heinrich Kramer. Although the literature is typically regarded as foolish and misogynist (and that would be true), many women accused of witchcraft were murdered becauses of it.

In ‘Malleus,’ Kramer described several iterations of dick torture?—?because witches need options. According to the text, witches would us magic to make men’s dick’s invisible. Kramer claimed they could “take away the male organ, not indeed by despoiling the human body of it, but by concealing it with some glamour.”

The next mention of dick abuse is far more entertaining. Kramer wrote that witches kept disembodied penises as PETS. The witches stole penises, stored them in birds’ nests and kept them alive by “feeding” them oats and other grains.

Dose?—?Ines Vuckovic

“Witches […] collect male organs in great numbers, as many as 20 or 30 members together, and put them in a bird’s nest, or shut them in a box. They move themselves like living members and eat oats and corn, as has been seen by many,” Kramer wrote.

Hear that? Tons of people witnessed these dicks flopping around, chewing on an ear of corn or sucking down a bowl of porridge. What a time to be alive!

My two thoughts on dick pets:
1. Did these dicks have a digestive system?
2. Flashback to Ursula’s sad, phallic-looking eels.

The Little Mermaid

But that’s not all, folks! According to Kramer, witches would take pity on their victims from time to time. When one pathetic man asked a witch to return his strayed johnson, she told the man to, “climb a tree … and take which he liked out of a nest where there were several members … When he tried to take the big one, the witch said: ‘You must not take that one, because it belonged to a parish priest.’” Oh sure?—?hands off the priest peen.

Kramer writes, “All witchcraft comes from carnal lust, which in women is insatiable.” (Pah!) Listen, Kramer + co., witches [read:women] ain’t so bad. We generally don’t want to whack your wang with a bat, or keep a sack of dicks around for safe keeping. This penile paranoia has been going on for far too long. So, chill?—?my building doesn’t even allow pets.